How to crank up ~ and crank down ~ a 185-mph hurricane like Dorian

Updated: Sep 8, 2019

You might think this is a crazy recipe, so I'm going to prove its validity to you in a moment with a simple image from a meteorologist and a brief timeline. But first the recipe for creating a 185-mph hurricane is as follows:

Take 1,000 quintillion gallons of water or more, and add some 5G cell tower spice.

Stir vigorously. Serve in a big mixing bowl.

Now for the proof that my Cloud Tapper invention altered Hurricane Dorian. The first image reveals Dorian's zigzag path compared to Hurricane Matthew. The second image shows Dorian performing even more flitting back and forth later on.

The squiggle shows us the unprecedented Dorian doing a jitterbug (hattip to meteorologist Blake Mathews @KHOUBlake11 on Twitter)

30% more squiggles for the same great price!

When Dorian got close to Puerto Rico the Cloud tapper was turned on. Instead of the predicted direct hit, Dorian swung around Puerto Rico to the east. Surely a coincidence, right? The Tapper was then turned away from Dorian because hurricanes help cool the ocean. But Dorian was traveling at a good clip and one of the Tapper motors gave out. Living mostly on Social Security I didn't replace the motor right away. But seeing that one tapper wasn't enough to stop Dorian, getting new parts had to be done even if it meant my rent or utility bills didn't get paid. The second unit was enough to stop Dorian's steady westward march. Was this our second coincidence? Unfortunately, the Bahamas paid the ultimate price, because the second Cloud Tapper's redeployment coincided with the nonstop pounding of the islands of Great Abaco and the Grand Bahama's. Neither my Cloud tappers nor the 5G cell towers were willing to give way. It was, sadly, a dead man's draw. Something more had to be done. That's when it occurred to me that the wall of 5G cities could be interfering with my inventions. I tried estimating different angles for the beams.

Meanwhile, people in Idaho and Tennessee also have Cloud Tappers, so we coordinated and concentrated our estimated angles. It probably sounds crazy to take on a 500 mile wide 185-mile per hour hurricane from a 30-foot long apartment from 750 miles away as one of the approach points. The others were more like 1,000 and three thousand miles distant.

It worked anyway!

Coincidence #3 occurred. The Bahamas were finally freed from the stalemate between 5G pulling Dorian to Florida and our Cloud Tappers attempting to push Dorian to freedom out into the unpopulated areas of the Atlantic.

But the battle was far from over. As Dorian moved along side Florida's coast, it appeared that the EMFs from the 5G poles installed and being tested in Orlando and Jacksonville were really tough to pierce. Keep in mind that there are probably hundreds of 5G cell towers, plus all the 4G towers that are all producing electronic 'cheese' in the air, and Dorian apparently loved cheese. The back and forth of trying to find the best angles continued. How many times did we adjust? Count the number of squiggles because I didn't write down each one. From the image, it looks like 10 more coincidences took place just up to approaching Jacksonville. That is to say, that the forces applied to Dorian coincidentally went up and down during the times we adjusted our angles.

But the coastline wasn't cooperating either!

Once you leave Florida, the coastline starts moving to the NE. We needed a greater shift in Dorian's path to move him NE.

But it just wasn't happening fast enough. That's when two more improvements to the Cloud Buster came forth. As usual these improvements arrived in a flash. It was midnight or thereabouts. It took me over an hour to build what looks like a simple addition. It was so good, I built another one not a moment too soon because the coastline of Georgia gets even sharper at South Carolina. North Carolina continues the test. To avoid landfall, we needed the storm to travel north EAST! This was our last coincidence because Dorian listened and moved as we had asked. In the end, Cape Hatteras, which is located 30 miles out into the ocean, was the only location to get hit by a storm wall that had slowed down far ahead of any professional predictions to 90 miles an hour or less. Last night, NOAA had predicted that Dorian would take 24 hours for the wind speed to drop from 110 to 105, but in four hours with out continued persistence, Dorian's wind speed dropped 20 miles an hour. This was a bonus coincidence. The Weather Channel keeps running a loop of their forecast claiming there is still an eye, but the other loop that recorded what Dorian actually looked like, reveals no eye whatsoever. They've made a similar mistake for a couple days or longer now. That's because their forecast models don't include whatever calming influence the Cloud Tappers provide. We believe their mistaken forecast models anyway because their predictions would come true if the Tappers were turned off. So for tonight at least, the tapping will continue. Would it be reasonable to call all those many Weather Channel forecasts that turned out to be incorrect 100% of the time "coincidences?" It's critically important to understand that hurricanes never make a move without a force being applied to it. Not even for a split second. If either an atom or an entire hurricane moves, a force moved them. If all those events and movements by each and every atom contained in Dorian's 500-mile body are not coincidences, then we can say with a high level of confidence that all those split second responses were indeed responses to the Cloud Tappers. In the end at least $200 billion in losses and insurance payouts were prevented. Another 200 billion in traumatic emotions were also spared along with many lives.

When I left Panama City 10 months after hurricane Michael it looked like maybe 25% of the roofs had been fixed because there just aren't enough workers to fix them. Every person continued to have a stunned look in their eyes even 10 months after. Three hours of huddling as the sound of a train roars by and roofs get torn off can do that to a person. Those three hours have been followed by 300 days of discomfort and frustration for most of the residents. Store shelves continue to be hit or miss for thousands of different items.

Hurricane Michael topped at at around 160 or so. Dorian sped towards Florida at 185.

Each five mile difference in speed can increase the damages by 50% as more trees and buildings become projectiles. Had Miami, Orlando and Jacksonville along with Charlotte and Raleigh-Durham taken hits, or alternatively Orlando, Tampa, Pensacola and Mobile been destroyed, where would the workers come from to restore those major cities from oblivion?

Maybe from now on prepping for a hurricane will "begin and end" by turning on your Cloud Tapper? I am ordering more Cloud Tapper parts and the inventive designs improve almost every day it seems, so if you want one, I can promise you it'll be the best design of them all regardless of when you order. The image you see on the order page is what one looked like a few days ago. Also keep in mind that each Cloud Tapper is handmade, so each one is unique in appearance. There is a waiting list. The sooner you get on the list, the sooner you'll receive your hurricane protection. Right now, the waiting time is two to three weeks.

This image was an earlier model. Yours will be at least 256 times stronger and will look somewhat different.

William Kelley Eidem is the inventor of the Whirling Bliss Machine, and various versions of the Cloud Tapper. He is also the author of The Doctor Who Cures Cancer and How to Become A Thrillionaire.

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